***TRIGGER WARNING***
The following content is mature in nature and could be distressing and emotionally overwhelming for some readers. If you are currently feeling emotionally vulnerable then you are urged to return and re-visit this post at such time that you feel better prepared. The following subject matter could include: medical/mental health diagnosis and procedures, chronic pain, drug use, obsessive compulsions, anxiety and panic attacks, bi polar induced mania and depression, PTSD, mood swings, anger, rage, sexual/physical/emotional/psychological/spiritual abuse and/or suicide.
The Clench ©broadexpanse
“I was too young to wonder what kinds of terror my brother might be keeping bottled inside”
-sister of dab
Story IV:
Dear World
Dear World,
The other day you didn’t ask what was wrong, because everything looks fine on the outside.
I’ve demonstrated (repeatedly, over the years) the symptoms of several disorders, each of which exacerbates the others, and all of which are worsened by physical pain. I experience recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of traumatic events, recurrent trauma-related nightmares, dissociative flashbacks, intense psychological distress and reactivity at certain reminders of trauma. I make efforts to avoid thoughts and conversations related to certain traumatic events and am unable to recall aspects of those traumatic events. At times, I experience diminished interest and participation in activities, and experience feelings of detachment and estrangement from others. I have difficulty falling and staying asleep, experience outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, hyper-vigilance, and an exaggerated startle response. I suffer from recurrent, intense, and distressing intrusive thoughts, and can exhibit time-consuming compulsive repetitive behaviors, which interfere with my general functioning. I recognize them as unreasonable but feel unable to resist and am repeatedly frustrated when I try. I suffer severe panic attacks and experience social anxiety.
I am swallowed by recurrent major depressive episodes. They come with a sustained depressed mood, resulting in diminished pleasure in most activities, significant changes in weight, insomnia, psychomotor agitation, (tap tap tap, tap tap tap), fatigue, feelings of guilt, indecisiveness, and recurrent suicidal ideation with violent and specific plans. I also have recurrent manic episodes where my mood is elevated and/or I am irritable, have grandiosity, a decreased need for sleep, pressured speech, flights of ideas, distractibility, increased goal-directed activity, and increases in risky behavior.
At times, mixed episodes combine the symptoms of both mania and depression.
I meet the criteria for diagnoses of post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and bipolar mood disorder. That’s not all. I also meet the criteria for social anxiety disorder and panic disorder, but these may be more helpfully viewed as artifacts of my trauma and mood disorders. Similarly, although I exhibit traits of borderline personality disorder, these may be more helpfully viewed as symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, related to trauma and disturbances of attachment beginning in early childhood.
In addition to the impact of trauma and neglect in my childhood, I have been affected by differential sensory processing and multi-sensory defensiveness, which continue to cause difficulties in my adulthood. I was bothered throughout my childhood by loud noises, bright lights, the tags in my clothing, varying textures of food, soft touches, certain odors, and a myriad of other sensations.
(In addition to the immediate distress that sensory processing issues cause, such children frequently experience secondary distress, as the adults who care for them may tend to minimize the children’s experiences of the world; this was even more likely forty-five years ago than it is now. A child may be told, for example, that having water splashed in his face “doesn’t hurt” or that he should “just try” a certain food; the adult saying this does not realize that the child’s discomfort is physical and very real.)
I experience frequent, intense pain as a result of lumbar arachnoiditis and lumbar radiculitis following surgery for a two-level disc herniation involving three vertebrae, which are now fused. In addition, I have degenerative disc disease. My emotional issues make it difficult to manage my pain effectively. I can be present oriented, alert and articulate, open and responsive, and give no evidence of problems with abstract thought, while at other times I fidget uncontrollably as stress produces intense lability and have great difficulty with topic maintenance. This is accompanied by pressured and rapid speech, psychomotor agitation, and distractibility. I move, without modulation, between feelings of irritability, suicidal despair, rage, panic, and euphoria. I have an impaired ability to process social cues that leaves me blind in social situations. Activities and experiences that are highly stressful for me because of my emotional issues, reduce my physical stamina, increase my pain and my ability to tolerate that pain. All of this reduces my ability to maintain a stable mood thus exacerbating the hyper-arousal symptom of my post-traumatic stress disorder.
The combination of my serious emotional disorders and physical pain have a severe impact on my life and functioning.
When all is said and done, although I continue to work assiduously on my own recovery and show a generally improving trend over time, my emotional state remains fragile. (1,2)
That’s all. Don’t judge a book by its cover. That’s a great place to start. It’s beauty or serenity may mislead you. I hope this helps and, please, don’t be scared.
Yours in understanding,
dab
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